The mosquito zapper…Dedicated to one Brian Munene (@theDeville)

Does any of you know what this is?

The bug/mosquito zapper! And we say no one’s invented anything lately! 🙂

This gadget has transformed some of our lives! Quite literally! You charge it with electricity, and it can last for days. The main idea is to turn it on, and hunt those buggers (mosquitoes), and shock them to death! Still don’t know how much voltage it produces, but once I do I will let you know! It’s a kind of fun activity (if you won’t creep out thinking you’re having fun killing animals) *serial killer complex*, @kiruik can attest to that!

The fun part of this thingy however, is hearing people new to it guess what it’s for. Yes, it looks like a racket, but it’s too small to play tennis with, and too big/heavy for badminton!

The best guess I’ve heard was from one afore-mentioned Brian, last night! I should add that he was inebriated as he waved the “racket” around, with its light turned on (yes, some have tiny light bulbs) in them, and says “This is very convenient”! “Do you chase the light with the racket”? “How exactly do you play with this thing “? LOL! Reminds me of those cats on Youtube that chase lights around the house! Poor buggers!

Furry Brian!

Oh, and the look he had when i demonstrated what exactly it’s for! Priceless!!

You can get this gadget for yourself for only 500bob at any supermarket! Happy mosquito-killing!

Miss Warui.

The Weave Debate

Cut it out already! The number of Kenyan men joining the M.A.W.E (Men Against Weaves) club grows each day…but the one thing they don’t realize is that they are the ones pushing us to wear that stuff! What do you expect us to feel when you ogle at Megan Fox or Pamela Anderson(who also wear weaves, fyi)?

What i wouldn’t give to have this kinda hair

Now, it’s important to note that I have been anti-weave for the longest time, but I get my “sisters” who prefer them to their natural hair. We all know our hair can be a handful, what with stuff like blow-driers (which i’m not a fan of), and the range of chemicals that exist in the market promising to rid u of all those issues. A weave is a cheap option, that allows us to change our look and enhance our self confidence every so often. Even i have fallen victim to this phenomena, once, but have never back-slided since! 🙂

The pros to weaves easily out-weigh the cons! I mean, which woman wouldn’t risk covering her hair for 2 months plus, just to look good? The problem is the few women who give weaves the bad reputation. Stinky, old weaves are not the looks we are going for ladies! I have seen women who look absolutely gorgeous in weaves, and others who well, didn’t look all that.

The other issue is that most Kenyan women don’t understand the concept of matching your weave with your hair. Why would one mix natural hair with a sleek glossy weave? I never get that!

Next, is cheap is always expensive. If you can afford good quality weaves, please invest in them. Besides, you can always re-use them if they are human hair. The point is, with good maintenance, you can rock that weave!

In protest of M.A.W.E and in solidarity with my weave sisters, I will wear a weave!

It may be next year or the year after that, but rest assured I will!

Miss Warui.

Single & Married

Morning guys! So, like all Kenyan office workers, I landed at my work place early, and started my early morning snoop of what’s new on the internet. First up, mail, a bit of facebook, twitter here and there, but I weirdly landed on Youtube this early! Anyone who knows how Youtube works understands that a search for a song could easily land you on a video titled “Elephants mating in zoo”! True story! And no, i’m not a perv…or one of those fishy people with fetishes of that nature.

So today I find myself watching a Ghanaian trailer for a movie titled “Single & Married”. From the comments published below it, it truly isn’t a movie made for the mass African market. I don’t think we are anywhere near discussing BJ’s or dicks in public, let alone in our living rooms. Did i mention there’s a scene they actually show the actors “getting it on”?

If you’d like to judge the amount of vulgarity in it….here it is. I, for one, know I am going to wait for it on Torrent downloads!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlllEV8L__c&feature=related

Miss Warui.

Some of my twitter followers….

Wow, I’m on a roll today! So much for writers’ block that I had experienced for very long!

This post is dedicated to some of my twitter followers…yeah, I don’t do the OOMF thingy, coz it’s well, a bit cliche! Here are my 2 cent thoughts on y’all!

@kiruik- best-est of friends, weekend plot-giver, former jkuat, total non-letdown! I just have praise for this guy! He inspires me to want more out of myself, and helped me get my first job!

@thejere- i know he’ll be among the first to read this post! 🙂 Best fan anyone could ever ask for! Certified motorbike lover, trying to get on “Who owns Kenya”, hehe…yes, i remember that! 🙂 oh, and he can tweet me for hours on end!

@amasy- PS-owner who takes my brother off my hands on most days! talented graphic designer, T-shirt giver! hehe…and how could i forget? sheesha-lover!

@happyhourkenya- for all your happy hour news! the guy behind this is just as great as his idea!

@thedeville- great artist! certified weed-junkie! For all your cookies/muffins, contact this guy!

@pkiprop- former workmate, made some of my days with his hilarious life stories, oh, and my constant dissing him!

@dngmtoto- certified wing-bitch…long since i hang out with her though! 😦

@iddsalim- changes his profile pic and name every single day! got a completely view of life! i’m sure he’s smoked enough ish to last the rest of us 2 lifetimes!

If I haven’t mentioned you, it’s not personal! I will do an encore of this post, so feel free to complain, and I will include you!

Miss Warui.

Of house number 28, 12, 3…

Recently I had drinks with some of my new workmates, which was great! There’s nothing better than bonding with people over alcohol! hehe…secrets come out, fetishes are known, and you now have something to hold over their heads! *evil grin*. But the best part of it all is knowing that it’s never that serious! The CEO becomes your new buddy, and that guy who stressed you in the interview is just a drunkard like you.

Anyway, so part of the bonding conversation was about these afore-mentioned houses, among other things such as the wash-wash business. Believe me, you don’t want to know how much people have wasted on that!

So, house number 28 is apparently just opposite our offices in Lavington, and it’s a…brothel. Now, I don’t know the exact workings of these kinda businesses, and that’s where the CEO chirps in! Apparently, he’s been there, and claims it’s embarassing to be seen there! Now, I don’t get why any man would visit a brothel in this time and age. Most girls give the P away just for 3-4 bottles of Smirnoff Black Ice aka Panty Remover. The fact that all these houses are in posh estates just means that these P’s are gonna cost u more! And i don’t need to tell y’all that they’re all the same! The owners may be different, the boobs may be different, but the P remains the same! I guess God had his own reasons for all that…

My newly discovered mission is to visit house 28, purely out of curiosity, i swear!! But i fear for my life! Ok, maybe not my life…maybe my hair, my teeth, and definitely my face! I hear these girls are territorial! Which reminds of a previous trip club experience. But that’s a story for another day.

For those in need of directions to said houses, contact me!

Miss Warui.

The road so far…

After a gruelling few months of “writers’ block”, read “work, work, work”, your favorite girl is back in business!! So, how have all of you been? Me? Alive and kicking! Still representing in those bashes, though not with as much frequency!

Oh, got a new job! Loving it, so far! Partly because I was the only girl around here for a while! Boy, do i like that scenario! 🙂 The perks are endless! @ItsnowRC and @ayodo are some of the awesome people at this joint!

In other news, it’s never a good idea to live in the same neighbourhood with certified party-animals! Kina @kiruik and @amasy will attest to that! Lol! Ideas like sheesha on a Sunday at 6pm surface with friends like these!

I’m also considering getting a motorbike! Something like this!

Awesome!

 

Writer’s block

For the longest time, i’ve been skeptical about the whole notion of writer’s block…until i discovered that i have it! My last post on this blog is dated May, 8th…and the date/time/clock on the bottom of my screen tells me it’s August 7th! 3 whole months, and I had no inspiration to jot down (sounds like a high school love letter vocabulary) a few words to satisfy my growing number of fans.

Let me get straight to the apologizing then! I’m sorry that I haven’t given y’all the attention you deserve, I’m sorry that I’ve been too busy writing code instead of writing (well, what i usually write) here. I hereby promise to start giving all of you the attention you deserve, and keep letting you see the world from my very colorful perspective.

New post coming soon!

Am I forgiven?

A few things I have learnt from porn:

Disclaimer: I’m not a porn addict.

I felt I had to start on that note! I like finding a person’s porn stash (where u hide it in your computer says a lot about u), not to mention the type of porn that guys watch! I’m yet to find a Kenyan guy with a stash of BDSM!  However, watching porn is a nice experience, one gets to learn a lot! I’ve seen quite a variety…don’t need to list them here…but here’s a few things I’ve grasped from it all!

  1. There are no asian men! I kid you not!! Never seen an asian man in porn! Maybe they’re there in gay porn…anyone?
  2. The louder one screams, the better the experience!
  3. No one knows what they are doing! Hence words of encouragement such as ‘fuck me’ and ‘baby ur so good’and ‘suck my dick’  are highly encouraged in showing your partner how to do it!
  4. No matter where his dick has been, you are obligated to put it in your mouth and make it look like it tastes nice! This has to be the most disturbing thing about all this!
  5. Fake acrylic nails are a must! Really! I have never seen a porn star with natural nails!
  6. Women love to have facials by men’s jeez…I don’t know how true the protein-wrinkle thing is…but it must work! Those girls are gorgeous!
  7. No matter how much she seems not to be enjoying it…just carry on! She’ll come around eventually!
  8. the men in porn are beasts! they got the junk and they can just go on…and on…heck!
  9. Finally, who the hell needs condoms? Seriously, though! Protect yourself! Always wear a condom!

Campus parties…

I just cleared campus…well, not ‘just’…let’s make it ‘recently’ and though my final year was more on the downside, I still have great bash experiences to share! First is that if you ever want to meet many people at a go…a campus party/bash is the place for you! Like 90% of the people I met were at bashes, the other 10% were my classmates… so, here are a few pointers on how to handle these scenarios.
1. Avoid anything given to you in a test tube! Especially by a guy who does a course with the name ‘Chemistry’ in it! You will probably not wake up till 4.30pm the day after tomorrow…that is, if you are lucky to even wake up!
2. Don’t ever have high expectations of what is to be served! Everyone knows campus is a place where cash is scarce, and we’re all trying to save on what we have. The things I have drunk…mmmhh…KK, KC, Naps, Muratina (quite common in Juja! Oh, I’ve even gone to where it’s brewed…how many girls can claim that!), Safari, Storm (this has a horse on it!), test tube stuff (just a sip), and sooo much more that I didn’t know!
3. A bash isn’t a bash if the lights are on! I think fluorescent has a tendency to keep people sober! Hehe…cause once the lights go off…well, let’s just say all hell breaks loose!
4. You’re here to mingle…we’re rarely there for that booze! It probably won’t last all the guests! So, mingle! Get yourself in party mode…dance, talk (read shout cause the music’s blazing), but remember…hide your face when you see a camera! We don’t want your bloodshot eyes on facebook the next day!
5. Carry some extra cash…most bashes tend to relocate by public demand! And the booze might fall short, you may have to contribute to extra mizingas!
6. There’s always a weed hangout! If you start laughing for no particular reason when in this zone…walk away!! You never know, you might soon start panicking and telling people to get you to a hospital cause you feel you are gonna die! Trust me, I know!
7. Some bash-owners like to spice things up a bit…a little fruit in the ‘fruitpunch’! if you can’t handle your liqor, leave the fruits in that plastic cup! They usually suck up all the booze in the punch!
8. If people dare you to do something, do it! There’s nothing worse than being evicted from a bash! Besides, you only live once! And it would make a great story!
9. You’d probably want to avoid the toilets in that particular house! Just avoid it!
10. A lot of stuff happens in these bashes…you may walk in on 3-somes, if u aren’t lucky enough to be in one (just saying), or just people expressing their physical attraction to each other! What to do? Ask if u can join in! hehe…
11. There’s probably going to be a fight…for one reason or another….i have seen male fights, girl fights, lesbian fights, people arguing in vernacular…haha! While they are fun to watch, u probably don’t want your face bashed in as well, so, run!
12. The downside to all this, is that you get known…bash-attenders tend to know each other, and boy, do they talk! This is where I got the notion that male gossip is far worse than females! Try keep your rep as squeaky clean as you can…but have fun anyway!
13. Finally, never take that guy you met in a bash seriously! 99% of the time, he’s just there looking for a hook-up! And you don’t want to be that girl! Well, unless you do….to which I say ‘You go girl’!
What are your house-party experiences? Lemme know!

Why nice guys finish last.

Lemme first start by saying that the world is a beautiful place, and the people we meet and interact with are unique in their own way. The differences are  what make us human after all, and spice life up as we know it. Nice guys are an endangered species, or so most girls would like to think. Yes, they get fewer the older we grow, but we (the girls) are very much to blame for that.   Looking back, I have interacted with some very nice fellas, and though I know they are the best options for partners, we turn the other way looking for something we crave for but do not see in this guy, at least not for the moment.

So, why do nice guys never get the girls…at least not when the girls are young?

  1. Nice guys are too nice. Ever been told that? I’m told it’s wuite annoying! But, it’s actually true…you’re too nice basically means she has a pretty ragged love life to that point, and she judges herself as unworthy of you! She probably has slept with your best friend for all you know! Crazy, huh? But oh, so true. Girls are creatures who believe In getting what they deserve, and if she deems herself on the deep end of the matter, then she’s probably looking for solace from some guy she perceives in that same light, if he’s not worse…not you innocent-looking bugger!
  2. Nice guys have zero confidence.  Never be afraid of rejection. Rejection is your friend! That’s how playaz get that hardcore. Put yourself out there prepared to get your heart bashed in! it’s the only way to get rid of that phobia. Once that’s out of the way, you find it easier to relate tp women, and tell if she’s as interested in you as you are in her. Have confidence in what you say! Don’t ask her out like this:

Boy: You know me an you have been close for a while now.

Girl: oookkaaaaayyy…

Boy: So I was hoping we would….

Girl: *wide-eyed*uh  huh

Boy: Well, you know…

Girl: *almost rolling her eyes now from sheer boredom*

Boy: U get?

Girl: *why doesn’t he just spit it out?*

 

You are just asking her out on a date, not to have your kids! Just make it a one-liner…look into her eyes, smile abit and do the “puppy-eye look” all of you know so well.

  1. Nice guys never say what they want. Ok, so you’ve been friends with this guy for maybe 2 years, and maybe at first u felt there was something happening, attraction-wise…I mean all the tell-tale signs were there…he calls, texts, visits all the time, he smiles at you like you’re the only person in the room(so sweet), he loves hanging out with you, even if your friends aren’t exactly his cup of tea…u get the drift! And you wait for him to pop the question(not a marriage proposal dummy), coz ur equally sprung…but it never comes! I don’t have to elaborate just how depressing that is for a girl…u just found the perfect guy, but he just doesn’t have the balls to ask you out! So, what do you do? Simple! Un-subject yourself from that torture and pick the next available guy who shows interest…and yes, popped the question. Btw, the nice guy acts all betrayed after this, and u wonder…didn’t you just waste 2 years of my life??
  2. Nice guys ask a little too late. So after scenario 3 above, mr. nice guy finally gets the guts to ask you out, but it’s too late…he says stuff like “that guy isn’t good for you, I’ve known him since high school”, and though you know it, you can’t just ditch this guy coz u finally woke up, not to mention it sounds a bit like sabotage! That aside, no girl can harbor feelings for one guy for that long. She probably put you in the friend-zone 6 months ago…and it’s hard to crawl out of that hole, I assure you.
  3. NEVER let yourself get friend-zoned! EVER! Once that happens, buddy, you’re done for! So, how do u avoid the friend-zone? Simple! Don’t let her treat u as a friend! Put in a certain boundary that ensures you don’t hang out together all the time…in short, make her miss you. Also bring up subjects on intimacy every once in a while…she starts looking at you as a man once you do that. Please don’t be obnoxious about it as well….call it making love, not having sex! Talk about it in a sensual manner…she’ll probably be gasping for air if you do that! It doesn’t hurt a bit if you blow your trumpet a bit on your sexual prowess…just a bit! And don’t name the girls you’ve had relationships with. Don’t let her be your love doctor! Don’t let her know how fragile u really are (we like the alpha males), but an alpha male who shows some emotion is hotter!
  4. Nice guys are more often deemed as sexually unattractive. Now, I don’t speak for all ladies in this point, everyone has their own opinion on this. Also note, when I say nice, I don’t mean quiet guys. Now, there are guys we term as “best-friend material”, and no, they don’t have to be gay. There’s the guy who like hanging around women, probably out of curiosity (probably doesn’t have a sister), and these are  friend-zoned faster than Nairobi girls drop their pants! No girl would want a man who’s every other woman’s best-friend! Most women like mysterious men…the guy who broods in the corner, not talking to anyone, stares at you with that look that says “the things I would do to her if I get her”! now, that’s sexy! I have seen first-hand that trick work!
  5. Finally, when the going gets tough, the nice guy, well, stops being nice! It’s great that you pumped up on the confidence since the last time we hung out, but you’re so different! Sure, your chest is wider now, and you’re sexier too, but you’re not who I remember…not the guy I liked once. Never ever lose yourself…sure, life’s a bitch, but I liked the nice guy you were before, not the stranger I see now.

It’s important to note that nice guys get the girls in the end…more often than not! Girls tend to back-track all the men she’s met and wondered “why did I never date so and so? He’s really nice and responsible…he’d probably make a great dad etc…”. it’s like she’s seeing you for the first time! Don’t feel used when that happens…u probably just passed up ur chance a few years back, but hey, u get to walk away with the prize after all!!!