A few things I have learnt from porn:

Disclaimer: I’m not a porn addict.

I felt I had to start on that note! I like finding a person’s porn stash (where u hide it in your computer says a lot about u), not to mention the type of porn that guys watch! I’m yet to find a Kenyan guy with a stash of BDSM!  However, watching porn is a nice experience, one gets to learn a lot! I’ve seen quite a variety…don’t need to list them here…but here’s a few things I’ve grasped from it all!

  1. There are no asian men! I kid you not!! Never seen an asian man in porn! Maybe they’re there in gay porn…anyone?
  2. The louder one screams, the better the experience!
  3. No one knows what they are doing! Hence words of encouragement such as ‘fuck me’ and ‘baby ur so good’and ‘suck my dick’  are highly encouraged in showing your partner how to do it!
  4. No matter where his dick has been, you are obligated to put it in your mouth and make it look like it tastes nice! This has to be the most disturbing thing about all this!
  5. Fake acrylic nails are a must! Really! I have never seen a porn star with natural nails!
  6. Women love to have facials by men’s jeez…I don’t know how true the protein-wrinkle thing is…but it must work! Those girls are gorgeous!
  7. No matter how much she seems not to be enjoying it…just carry on! She’ll come around eventually!
  8. the men in porn are beasts! they got the junk and they can just go on…and on…heck!
  9. Finally, who the hell needs condoms? Seriously, though! Protect yourself! Always wear a condom!
Advertisements

Campus parties…

I just cleared campus…well, not ‘just’…let’s make it ‘recently’ and though my final year was more on the downside, I still have great bash experiences to share! First is that if you ever want to meet many people at a go…a campus party/bash is the place for you! Like 90% of the people I met were at bashes, the other 10% were my classmates… so, here are a few pointers on how to handle these scenarios.
1. Avoid anything given to you in a test tube! Especially by a guy who does a course with the name ‘Chemistry’ in it! You will probably not wake up till 4.30pm the day after tomorrow…that is, if you are lucky to even wake up!
2. Don’t ever have high expectations of what is to be served! Everyone knows campus is a place where cash is scarce, and we’re all trying to save on what we have. The things I have drunk…mmmhh…KK, KC, Naps, Muratina (quite common in Juja! Oh, I’ve even gone to where it’s brewed…how many girls can claim that!), Safari, Storm (this has a horse on it!), test tube stuff (just a sip), and sooo much more that I didn’t know!
3. A bash isn’t a bash if the lights are on! I think fluorescent has a tendency to keep people sober! Hehe…cause once the lights go off…well, let’s just say all hell breaks loose!
4. You’re here to mingle…we’re rarely there for that booze! It probably won’t last all the guests! So, mingle! Get yourself in party mode…dance, talk (read shout cause the music’s blazing), but remember…hide your face when you see a camera! We don’t want your bloodshot eyes on facebook the next day!
5. Carry some extra cash…most bashes tend to relocate by public demand! And the booze might fall short, you may have to contribute to extra mizingas!
6. There’s always a weed hangout! If you start laughing for no particular reason when in this zone…walk away!! You never know, you might soon start panicking and telling people to get you to a hospital cause you feel you are gonna die! Trust me, I know!
7. Some bash-owners like to spice things up a bit…a little fruit in the ‘fruitpunch’! if you can’t handle your liqor, leave the fruits in that plastic cup! They usually suck up all the booze in the punch!
8. If people dare you to do something, do it! There’s nothing worse than being evicted from a bash! Besides, you only live once! And it would make a great story!
9. You’d probably want to avoid the toilets in that particular house! Just avoid it!
10. A lot of stuff happens in these bashes…you may walk in on 3-somes, if u aren’t lucky enough to be in one (just saying), or just people expressing their physical attraction to each other! What to do? Ask if u can join in! hehe…
11. There’s probably going to be a fight…for one reason or another….i have seen male fights, girl fights, lesbian fights, people arguing in vernacular…haha! While they are fun to watch, u probably don’t want your face bashed in as well, so, run!
12. The downside to all this, is that you get known…bash-attenders tend to know each other, and boy, do they talk! This is where I got the notion that male gossip is far worse than females! Try keep your rep as squeaky clean as you can…but have fun anyway!
13. Finally, never take that guy you met in a bash seriously! 99% of the time, he’s just there looking for a hook-up! And you don’t want to be that girl! Well, unless you do….to which I say ‘You go girl’!
What are your house-party experiences? Lemme know!

Why nice guys finish last.

Lemme first start by saying that the world is a beautiful place, and the people we meet and interact with are unique in their own way. The differences are  what make us human after all, and spice life up as we know it. Nice guys are an endangered species, or so most girls would like to think. Yes, they get fewer the older we grow, but we (the girls) are very much to blame for that.   Looking back, I have interacted with some very nice fellas, and though I know they are the best options for partners, we turn the other way looking for something we crave for but do not see in this guy, at least not for the moment.

So, why do nice guys never get the girls…at least not when the girls are young?

  1. Nice guys are too nice. Ever been told that? I’m told it’s wuite annoying! But, it’s actually true…you’re too nice basically means she has a pretty ragged love life to that point, and she judges herself as unworthy of you! She probably has slept with your best friend for all you know! Crazy, huh? But oh, so true. Girls are creatures who believe In getting what they deserve, and if she deems herself on the deep end of the matter, then she’s probably looking for solace from some guy she perceives in that same light, if he’s not worse…not you innocent-looking bugger!
  2. Nice guys have zero confidence.  Never be afraid of rejection. Rejection is your friend! That’s how playaz get that hardcore. Put yourself out there prepared to get your heart bashed in! it’s the only way to get rid of that phobia. Once that’s out of the way, you find it easier to relate tp women, and tell if she’s as interested in you as you are in her. Have confidence in what you say! Don’t ask her out like this:

Boy: You know me an you have been close for a while now.

Girl: oookkaaaaayyy…

Boy: So I was hoping we would….

Girl: *wide-eyed*uh  huh

Boy: Well, you know…

Girl: *almost rolling her eyes now from sheer boredom*

Boy: U get?

Girl: *why doesn’t he just spit it out?*

 

You are just asking her out on a date, not to have your kids! Just make it a one-liner…look into her eyes, smile abit and do the “puppy-eye look” all of you know so well.

  1. Nice guys never say what they want. Ok, so you’ve been friends with this guy for maybe 2 years, and maybe at first u felt there was something happening, attraction-wise…I mean all the tell-tale signs were there…he calls, texts, visits all the time, he smiles at you like you’re the only person in the room(so sweet), he loves hanging out with you, even if your friends aren’t exactly his cup of tea…u get the drift! And you wait for him to pop the question(not a marriage proposal dummy), coz ur equally sprung…but it never comes! I don’t have to elaborate just how depressing that is for a girl…u just found the perfect guy, but he just doesn’t have the balls to ask you out! So, what do you do? Simple! Un-subject yourself from that torture and pick the next available guy who shows interest…and yes, popped the question. Btw, the nice guy acts all betrayed after this, and u wonder…didn’t you just waste 2 years of my life??
  2. Nice guys ask a little too late. So after scenario 3 above, mr. nice guy finally gets the guts to ask you out, but it’s too late…he says stuff like “that guy isn’t good for you, I’ve known him since high school”, and though you know it, you can’t just ditch this guy coz u finally woke up, not to mention it sounds a bit like sabotage! That aside, no girl can harbor feelings for one guy for that long. She probably put you in the friend-zone 6 months ago…and it’s hard to crawl out of that hole, I assure you.
  3. NEVER let yourself get friend-zoned! EVER! Once that happens, buddy, you’re done for! So, how do u avoid the friend-zone? Simple! Don’t let her treat u as a friend! Put in a certain boundary that ensures you don’t hang out together all the time…in short, make her miss you. Also bring up subjects on intimacy every once in a while…she starts looking at you as a man once you do that. Please don’t be obnoxious about it as well….call it making love, not having sex! Talk about it in a sensual manner…she’ll probably be gasping for air if you do that! It doesn’t hurt a bit if you blow your trumpet a bit on your sexual prowess…just a bit! And don’t name the girls you’ve had relationships with. Don’t let her be your love doctor! Don’t let her know how fragile u really are (we like the alpha males), but an alpha male who shows some emotion is hotter!
  4. Nice guys are more often deemed as sexually unattractive. Now, I don’t speak for all ladies in this point, everyone has their own opinion on this. Also note, when I say nice, I don’t mean quiet guys. Now, there are guys we term as “best-friend material”, and no, they don’t have to be gay. There’s the guy who like hanging around women, probably out of curiosity (probably doesn’t have a sister), and these are  friend-zoned faster than Nairobi girls drop their pants! No girl would want a man who’s every other woman’s best-friend! Most women like mysterious men…the guy who broods in the corner, not talking to anyone, stares at you with that look that says “the things I would do to her if I get her”! now, that’s sexy! I have seen first-hand that trick work!
  5. Finally, when the going gets tough, the nice guy, well, stops being nice! It’s great that you pumped up on the confidence since the last time we hung out, but you’re so different! Sure, your chest is wider now, and you’re sexier too, but you’re not who I remember…not the guy I liked once. Never ever lose yourself…sure, life’s a bitch, but I liked the nice guy you were before, not the stranger I see now.

It’s important to note that nice guys get the girls in the end…more often than not! Girls tend to back-track all the men she’s met and wondered “why did I never date so and so? He’s really nice and responsible…he’d probably make a great dad etc…”. it’s like she’s seeing you for the first time! Don’t feel used when that happens…u probably just passed up ur chance a few years back, but hey, u get to walk away with the prize after all!!!